That time of night again...

It's this time at night again where my stupid mind decides to think and look back on life....feeling angry about the fact I have not one, but two incurable illnesses and thinking about people I envy who have the perfect lives that are all coming together, when mine is falling apart... All the mistakes Iv made, how things could be so different right now, how much happier I would possibly be.... 

A dangerous thought trail to go down I know, not worth thinking about the should a, woulda, could a.. But sometimes I do wonder where I would be now if I didn't go on that holiday that made me poorly and led to this illness that will probably ending up killing me, if I had just done that one thing different with that special guy and not fuck everything up (again), if I just turned the steering wheel a teeny bit to the left and passed my damn driving test! 

People always say to me "life is what you make it" and whilst yes I agree, but it's pretty hard to do that when you have been dealt such a shit hand, (and before anyone says it yes I am aware there are people worse off then me!) but that doesn't mean I lose my right to complain!? what if I didn't choose to be ill, didn't choose to have something that totally demolishes my confidence and self esteem? I know I didn't choose this and yes I know that you should always make the best of what you have, but sometimes that can be so difficult when you feel like you have nothing positive, and your just waiting for the next bit of shit to come your way and shake your world even more....

On a more positive note, I have purple hair!!